For Those of You who DIDn't hear about the lemon law the First TIME:

"You'll never find anyone like me ever again!" Ah, the famous last words of a relationship in dissolution. But really? What is that person thinking when they throw that brilliant line out there? If they didn't want you what makes you think that they would want someone like you? You just gave you're ex the assurance that they'll never have to go through what they went through with you ever again, and you know what they're thinking? "Thank You!" Dating... what a whirlwind!

On tonight's rerun of HIMYM (for those of you who don't know, that's code for How I Met Your Mother) I learned about Barney's "ingenious" Lemon Law. For those of you who don't know what a Lemon Law actually is, it is an American state law that provides a remedy for car buyers of vehicles that repeatedly fail to meet standards of quality and performance. Barney's Lemon Law acted in a similar way... except for dating. He would decide within the first five minutes of dating a girl whether or not she met up with his "standards of quality and performance" and if he decided that she didn't, they then became "lemons" and he moved on to the next candidate. I mean, most people don't really act in accordance to this Lemon Law but can you imagine if everyone did? I guess in some cases it would be easy to judge within the first five minutes of knowing someone whether they're you're type or not. Star wars paraphernalia, ten different types of medications for his six "perilous" diseases, puka shell necklaces, "Did you just fart because you blew me away" or "want to skip the movie and just skip right to my place" type pick up lines, and pokemon t-shirts would be sure-fire signs of a guy that is NOT my type, in which case the Lemon Law card would definitely be placed on the table right next to the most likely Sci-Fi movie ticket that he bought moments before with his mother's money. But not all dates would be Lemon Lawed! There are a few good catches out there that are just waiting for the right woman to give him a chance. If you're my roommate a guy in a polo and cowboy boots would almost definitely make it through the first five minutes! If you're my best friend and can charmingly order her her favorite drink you'll last at least till she's reached the bottom of her long island iced tea (unless she's eating mexican food in which case she'll want a margarita). As for me, I believe I've kissed my fair share of frogs and have finally found a prince. I've learned that as soon as you realize that most men are like little kids, you'll have a whole new understanding of dating. A couple rounds of Halo or Mortal Kombat (the new one on the PS3 with the DC Universe characters vs the Mortal Kombat characters-awesome) are actually really fun! Where I am going with this spiel about dating? Nowhere really... it's a whirlwind that no one understands that may someday turn into marriage which is even more of a whirlwind. Speaking of whirlwind, can you imagine a world without men? Less crime and lots of happy, fat women!

EGOTISTIC/HOT SCALE

"A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she's equally hot." On tonight's rerun of HIMYM (for those of you who don't know, that's code for How I Met Your Mother) I learned about Barney's "ingenious" Crazy/Hot Scale. You know, some girls might find this offensive... being reduced down to nothing more than a piece of ass or chalked up to just another crazy ex girlfriend. But lets be honest ladies... We do the same thing. The only difference is that we measure our men on a slightly different different scale and ours hasn't been clearly written. While the men sit and weigh their options with us "crazy/hot" girls, little do they know that we are sitting on the oppisite side of that little round booth, sipping our fruity drinks, twirling our curled hair, flashing a sexy smile, sizing you up, chalking you up, reducing you down, and for some of you, eye-dressing you down, just like you are. Now introducing:

The EGOTISTIC/HOT SCALE
"A guy is allowed to be as self-centered as long as he's equally hot." Boys, the only time we like hearing about your football stories is if you're talking about hitting the showers. We only care about to hear about how you make your money if youre talking about how you plan on spending it on us. And we could care less about what kind of work you did on your truck if youre talking about going parking in it after we get done with dinner (unless its a bug in which case I have a different kind of friend for you take out.) Anyways.... the point is, the only way that a girl is going to put up with your babbling on about nothing but yourself is if she has something pretty to look at.

I feel like girls who have ever been on any of these boring dates centered completely around a man would agree with me. "A guy is allowed to be as self-centered as long as hes equally hot."

GIRLS: this is an interactive blog. If we ever want our voices to be heard we need to work together and get our stories out there!!!! Leave me a comment about a level that YOU think should be a level on the EGOTISTIC/HOT scale and we'll compile them shortly after!!!!

More Chelsea...

"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous… like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her, or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer." I. If you have never experienced the comical genius of comedian, Chelsea Handler, then you have been unknowingly depriving yourself of some of the most hilarious, “deliciously skewed” comedy of this day and age. Do not deprive yourself any longer. As a devout fan of her talk show, and the owner of both of her best selling books I am here to introduce you to a whole new world of sarcastic and absurd comedy that you have never before experienced. For sense of humor’s sake, I propose that you, as an advocate of humor, take the opportunity to tune into Chelsea’s talk show, Chelsea Lately or grab one of her books and dive into one of the most hysterical thrills to ever be published. The first reason that you should become a Chelsea Handler fan is because of the apparent humorous aspect of her work. Chelsea Lately, her talk show, starts off with some kind of sarcastic monologue. Whether it be about celebrity gossip, a news article, or something random that she came across and found amusing, she will ridicule, poke fun at, or satirize to the point of no return. You know that friend in the group who isn’t afraid to say what everyone else is thinking? Chelsea is that friend… except when she calls someone out, it’s in front of thousands of people and you probably wont find any sugar coating on top! Her brutal honesty, one-liners, and the witty banter exchanged between her and her roundtable guests fill rooms, especially dorm rooms, around the nation every weekday night. Not only is her talk show entertaining, her New York Time’s bestselling books, Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea, and My Horizontal Life: A Collection Of One Night Stands, is a collection of essays describing some of her true-life experiences. According to Jennifer Weiner, bestselling author of In Her Shoes, “Chelsea Handler writes like Judy Blume, if Judy Bloom were into vodka, Ecstacy, and sleeping with midgits and nine-teen year olds.” You would think that this kind of stuff only existed in the twisted human imagination. However, Chelsea’s stories are recollections of her real life experiences
Just by reading the preface of one her her novels you get a feel for how funny her collection of personal essay are. “When Chelsea handler needs to get a few things off of her chest, she appeals to a higher power-vokda. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class… Whether she’s convincing her third grade class that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn’s daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her-only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations.” Now, on a more earnest note, Chelsea may be full of humorous candor and irresistible wit, but she doesn’t joke around when it comes to the causes that she supports.
When Chelsea feels strongly about a something, she’s not afraid to express her opinions through her show and books. Chelsea has herded a large amount of support for causes such as gay rights through her campaigning for Proposition 8, acceptance for “little-people” or the hated “m” word, midgets, as well as having a huge voice during the time of Presidential Campaigns, and on a lighter note, a strong advocate for Greygoose. She strongly believes that people should be able to make their own choices and should be accepted for who they are.
She was raised in a half Jewish, half Mormon family which has taught her to be accepting towards all different kinds of lifestyles. While she might “occasionally” still use your sexual orientation, religion, or behavior as the butt of one of her jokes, you come to learn by watching her show and reading her books that it’s all out of good nature and that if you want to get your cause publicized, you want Chelsea on your side. According to Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her, “In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they’re also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt.” So, to recap so far, we’ve a hilarious, sarcastic, in-your-face, brutally honest, and opinionated blonde who loves Greygoose. Chelsea is hardly someone you might consider a “role-model” at first glance, but if you look deeper into her monologues and the text of her novels, you’ll see, just as clearly as I do, the positive, life lessons that she has to teach us. Chelsea’s books and talk show may take a little reading into if you’re looking for the deep life changing messages, they actually aren’t hard to find. Although it might seem like Chelsea’s books were written for sheer entertainment, I am a strong believer that Chelsea wrote her novels so that we wouldn’t have to go through the “hardships” and “trials” that she had to face. Each Chapter of her book ends with some sort of lesson that she has learned through the event described in the chapter. From the closing of the first Chapter, Blacklisted, from her novel, Are You There Vodka? It’s me Chelsea, ends, “The lesson I learned that year was a valuable one. If you’re going to make up an enormous untruth, make sure you tell it to people you are not spending the rest of the school year with. I can only imagine what Clay Aiken has to deal with on a daily basis.”
Of all of the important lessons that she has to teach us about, such as drunk driving, family problems, social events, or sexual encounters, I believe that the most important thing that she has to teach us about life is, “It’s better to simply appear a fool, then to open your mouth and prove it.”
In conclusion, If you have never experienced the comical genius of comedian, Chelsea Handler, then you have been unknowingly depriving yourself of some of the most hilarious, “deliciously skewed” comedy of this day and age. Do not deprive yourself any longer.
By simply taking the opportunity to tune into Chelsea’s talk show, Chelsea Lately on E! every weeknight at 10 or by grabbing one of her books, Are You There Vodka? Its Me Chelsea, or My Horizontal Life, you too can experience the new world of sarcastic and absurd comedy that you have never before experienced that I have just described.
Liz Smith with the New York Post says, "Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is. She is too clever for words." Liz got it half right… funny and brilliant, no doubt. However Liz might have slightly missed the bulls eye with that last, “too clever for words” business. “She is hilarious, hysterical, amusing, sarcastic, skewed and as Chelsea would say, “a hot mess” of a woman.”

Suckers!

So another "exciting" event of the weekend... a broken in truck! While we were eating at Salsalitos some punks decided to break into our truck! It looked like they just popped the lock with a screwdriver on the passenger side. When we realized what had happened we started to try and determine what all was missing. It seems like the only thing that they took was Tallon's little sister, Cassidy's, school backpack and clarinet. I felt really bad for her because she was beside herself with tears because of what was gone besides the fact that she felt guilty and blameworthy for leaving that stuff in the truck (lik she was told not to.) As much as it stunk to have lost her stuff it was also pretty lucky. That was probably the best couple of things that they could have taken. Why? let me just go through the things that the ass holes missed out on!
three checkbooks, keys to just about every peice of property that belongs to Redd. Construction and family, a radio, a programmer, tools, ipod, guns and knives that pawns shops would have killed for...

all I have to say is...... SUCKERS!!!!!!!! If only you knew the jackpot that you missed out on!! Not only would I like for someone to find you to kick your ass, I would also like to do a little dance with the hundreds of dollars of stuff that you didnt get! have fun attemting to pawn a clarinet with a serial number on it and getting caught you SOBs!!!

for some extremely odd and INCOMPREHENSIBLE reason they didn't want the huge case of Roy D. Mercer CDs in the backseat....

The quote of the morning goes to Cass, "You have to be pretty low to steal a little girl's backpack!"

.... and STUPID (I wanted to say!)

Hey jerks, if you're out there... maybe you can learn something from the sixth grade history notes that you were banking on getting you so far...
Lee Harvey Oswald, Bonnie and Clyde, and Saddam Hussein can all tell you.... payback is a bitch!!

Cornyval

So this weekend I went to Helotes, Texas with my boyfriend for the annual hometown festival they hold each year, "The Cornyval!" sound redneck?? it is! haha. It's all about corn! I loved it! First off, I love wierdos and this place was crawling with them! Tallon (the bf) and I spent a good couple of days just laughing at the ridiculous outfits, actions, and, most of all, haircuts of these people!It was great fun! There was also a rodeo on Saturday night! It was a lot of fun as well. It started with mutton bustin which if you have never had the opportunity to witness this event... you need to! It's so funny! Little kids holding onto sheep for dear life as they run around the arena at full speed! It's hillarious. Another highlight of the evening was the mexican bull fighting! I've never seen a rodeo clown jump so high!!! Oh wait, did I say jump? I meant get bucked so high!! that bull was NOT going to stop with just ramming him into the fence! He wasn't going to give up till that SOB that was laughing at him was at least six feet in the air! Needless to say, my eyes were closed as I listened to Tallon and our friend Patrick hooping and hollering for the bull. I dont understand what it is about men and violence... my life flashed before my eyes when I saw that poor clown get trampled and I wasn't even the one running from the 2000lb pissed off bull!!!! anyways... it was a lot of fun! I can't wait to make my AWESOME corn shirt for next year's cornyval so that I'm goofy looking and can fit in!!!!!! :)

Just A Minute

Time is a very funny thing you know. It can be something beautiful, something wasted, something treasured, and something mysterious. Time has been known to fly, travel, share, heal, tell, and run out. There are stitches of time, nicks of time, and frames of time. You can do time, lose time, save time, and find time. Time is money and time is of the essence. Time can be up and time can be out. You have time on your hands.You can be behind the times or before the times. You can have no time to talk and a long time no see. There are good times, desperate times, quality times, remembered times and forgotten times. Third time's a charm.

Time is a funny thing you know... and how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."

Compliments of my favorite person EVER, Chelsea Handler!! :)

If you have never experienced the comical genius of comedian, Chelsea Handler, then you have been unknowingly depriving yourself of some of the most hilarious, “deliciously skewed” comedy of this day and age. Do not deprive yourself any longer!!!!

29387423 blogs too little

I think im about 23984723847 blogs behind! when i first got this assignment i was pretty excited about it... i love to write. i thought that i was going to be able to come up with some amazing short little essay thing for every entry like i did my first couple... and now im a million blogs behind.... oh well!!!!!!

Bridges

Bridges of Madison County id the best book EVER!!!!! if you're into love stories then I would definately suggest this book to you! I just started reading it for the third or fourth time now! its amazing and SOOOO beautifully written!

Highway 21 is a content stretch of beauty full of fascinating people who all behave like they own the road. But lately its seemed as if the entire length has been magically reduced to only two people: us. Three hour conversations fly by in the space of 15 minutes and a few days apart feel like weeks. I realize that Einstein's Law of Relativity would have to be amended to included a special set of rules: Those to explain the peculiar affects of infatuation.

How to get out of a speeding ticket!

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license? 
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. 

Officer: The car is stolen? 
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? 
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? 
Driver: Yes, sir. 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? 
Driver: Sure. Here it is. 

It was valid. 

Captain: Who's car is this? 
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. 

The driver owned the car. 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? 
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. 

Trunk is opened; no body. 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Read Me First!

so i decided that my favorite blog so far is the lemon law blog so if youre just skimming through to leave comments because you have to read that one first! although i would like to think that they were all pretty ok... haha! ;)

Behind Enemy Lines: For The Boys

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco ever since." - Arturo Toscanni

Women are a few things. Intriguing, curious, enticing, and magnetic. Alongside those are a couple of other endearing appellations. Contrary to popular belief however, there is one thing that most girls are not... complicated. I can see how men might be a little confused when it comes to the way women act in certain situations, but to put them in that conventional category, i feel, is imprecise. Trying to figure out what arm rest is yours at the movie theater is complicated; deciding where to sit, even worse. Where to put your cup in your car when all of your cup holders are full, is complicated. Trying to figure out why there are flotation devices under airline seats instead of parachutes, is complicated. Women aren't that perplexing.  Once you grasp a few simple, easy to learn, concepts, you'll learn that understanding women isn't as difficult as you're making it out to be. The number one thing to remember is that there are certain things you just don't say or do in a relationship! Here's a few infamous areas of dating in which some men just don't get it! When your girlfriend ask you,  "Does this dress make me look fat?" Your response, without even looking up should be what?... If you said, "No!" you're on the right track! If you said, "yes!" you're an honest yet stupid ass fool! 

"Is that girl prettier than I am?" 

"No!"

A little more tricky yet not unanswerable, "How does my butt look in these jeans?" (This can sometimes be tricky because a big butt is not always a bad thing) A simple, "damn good!" should suffice! (Ladies... this technique works both ways. "Does size matter?" NO!)

Guys, next time you decide to open that big mouth, think before you speak!!! You have to pick your battles! For example... A dangerous approach to a situation would be, "That's what you're wearing??" A safer approach, "You look good in blue!" The safest (and most rewarding ;) response, "Wow! You look great!" Want another example? Dangerzone: "What are you so worked up about?" A safer approach, "Could we be overreacting?" The safest, "I'm sorry for whatever I did and whatever I may do from here on out. Here's fifty dollars, go buy yourself something nice!"

All women want to be desired. They want to be sought after. They want to be wanted. By making them feel appreciated and longed for, you're already laying down half of your best game and you don't even know it! A woman notices when you're staring at her from across the room. She may act like it's not a big deal when you tell her how pretty she looks, but trust me, deep down she's love-struck!

Other simple things to remember include: We don't like to hear about other pretty girls that you notice, hearing about your exes makes us jealous, and we like being right! You're two cents does matter!

(Side-note: If someone asks a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the extra penny?)

Remember that women just want to be beautiful and desirable for you men! I mean, you have to admit, ya'll have set the bar considerably high for us lovely ladies in today's domain. Let them know that you feel the fire... and when all else fails remember that, "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." (Ingrid Bergman.) A good kiss is always a good remedy! The next time you find yourself in uncharted territory don't fall back to those prior notions that women are complicated! Just remember that I've let you take a small step behind enemy lines to learn a few tricks and smile. It's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.

The Woman's Night Off

As millions of Americans tuned into NBC to watch Superbowl 2009, I looked down at the table in front of me covered in the traditional Superbowl snacks and had to laugh. A thought crossed my mind that made me snicker to myself; a thought that could really apply to any other event similar to the Superbowl. What made me laugh was the phenomenon of outdoor grilling: the only type of cooking a "real" man does. The Superbowl is a man's day. He wakes up and gets dressed in the jersey of his team of choice. SportsCenter is on all day long playing and replaying stats from the season and getting everyone pumped up for the big game! Sometime about mid-after noon it comes time to fire up the grill. Beer in hand, your ruggedly handsome man volunteers to do the barbecuing for the party which then sets the following series of events into motion. 

The woman goes to the store. The woman pours the chips (original ruffles, doritos, tostitos, and fritos-pretty much the whole "ito" family because she knows that then boys like all of them) and mixes each it's respectable dip. The woman prepares the meat for cooking and places it onto a tray along with the required utensils, and brings it outside to the man (who is lounging beside the grill, sipping his beer, and listening to John Madden make football commentation using terms such as "pull out" and "penetration" that I have come to learn college students find very amusing.) The man places the meat on the grill as the woman goes in to set up the snacks out before the party guests arrive. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman for her to prepare and set out. The men chow down as the women daintily pick from the finger foods and stand by until their hunky man spills something as a result of the couple of beers they had while "slaving" over the grill. After bidding the guests goodbye the woman clears the table and does the dishes as her man replays every play with her from the love-seat. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" from cooking dinner and well.... we'll get to the rest in a second. Outdoor grilling... it'a a funny thing. It's things like this that make girls like me shake their heads and love the imperfections of the male gender. They try their hardest to please us and if they weren't so darn cute it would probably be easier to hold something like this against them. I think, ladies, that we can all agree that while we adore men individually, as a group they are rather amusing.

From the love-seat that ruggedly handsome and innocently charming man asks you how you enjoyed your "night off" from cooking dinner... and upon seeing your amused smirk and raised eyebrow concludes that there's just no pleasing women.

The BF, Tallon :)                                                         My roomie, Paige!!! :)

Lemon Law

"You'll never find anyone like me ever again!" Ah, the famous last words of a relationship in dissolution. But really? What is that person thinking when they throw that brilliant line out there? If they didn't want you what makes you think that they would want someone like you? You just gave you're ex the assurance that they'll never have to go through what they went through with you ever again, and you know what they're thinking? "Thank You!" Dating... what a whirlwind! 

Tonight's rerun of HIMYM (for those of you who don't know, that's code for How I Met Your Mother) I learned about Barney's "ingenious" Lemon Law. For those of you who don't know what a Lemon Law actually is, it is an American state law that provides a remedy for car buyers of vehicles that repeatedly fail to meet standards of quality and performance. Barney's Lemon Law acted in a similar way... except for dating. He would decide within the first five minutes of dating a girl whether or not she met up with his "standards of quality and performance" and if he decided that she didn't, they then became "lemons" and he moved on to the next candidate. I mean, most people don't really act in accordance to this Lemon Law but can you imagine if everyone did? I guess in some cases it would be easy to judge within the first five minutes of knowing someone whether they're you're type or not. Star wars paraphernalia, ten different types of medications for his six "perilous" diseases, puka shell necklaces, "Did you just fart because you blew me away" or "want to skip the movie and just skip right to my place" type pick up lines, and pokemon t-shirts would be sure-fire signs of a guy that is NOT my type, in which case the Lemon Law card would definitely be placed on the table right next to the most likely Sci-Fi movie ticket that he bought moments before with his mother's money. But not all dates would be Lemon Lawed! There are a few good catches out there that are just waiting for the right woman to give him a chance. If you're my roommate a guy in a polo and cowboy boots would almost definitely make it through the first five minutes! If you're my best friend and can charmingly order her her favorite drink you'll last at least till she's reached the bottom of her long island iced tea (unless she's eating mexican food in which case she'll want a margarita). As for me, I believe I've kissed my fair share of frogs and have finally found a prince. I've learned that as soon as you realize that most men are like little kids, you'll have a whole new understanding of dating. A couple rounds of Halo or Mortal Kombat (the new one on the PS3 with the DC Universe characters vs the Mortal Kombat characters-awesome) are actually really fun! Where I am going with this spiel about dating? Nowhere really... it's a whirlwind that no one understands that may someday turn into marriage which is even more of a whirlwind. Speaking of whirlwind, can you imagine a world without men? Less crime and lots of happy, fat women!