Read Me First!

so i decided that my favorite blog so far is the lemon law blog so if youre just skimming through to leave comments because you have to read that one first! although i would like to think that they were all pretty ok... haha! ;)

Behind Enemy Lines: For The Boys

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco ever since." - Arturo Toscanni

Women are a few things. Intriguing, curious, enticing, and magnetic. Alongside those are a couple of other endearing appellations. Contrary to popular belief however, there is one thing that most girls are not... complicated. I can see how men might be a little confused when it comes to the way women act in certain situations, but to put them in that conventional category, i feel, is imprecise. Trying to figure out what arm rest is yours at the movie theater is complicated; deciding where to sit, even worse. Where to put your cup in your car when all of your cup holders are full, is complicated. Trying to figure out why there are flotation devices under airline seats instead of parachutes, is complicated. Women aren't that perplexing.  Once you grasp a few simple, easy to learn, concepts, you'll learn that understanding women isn't as difficult as you're making it out to be. The number one thing to remember is that there are certain things you just don't say or do in a relationship! Here's a few infamous areas of dating in which some men just don't get it! When your girlfriend ask you,  "Does this dress make me look fat?" Your response, without even looking up should be what?... If you said, "No!" you're on the right track! If you said, "yes!" you're an honest yet stupid ass fool! 

"Is that girl prettier than I am?" 

"No!"

A little more tricky yet not unanswerable, "How does my butt look in these jeans?" (This can sometimes be tricky because a big butt is not always a bad thing) A simple, "damn good!" should suffice! (Ladies... this technique works both ways. "Does size matter?" NO!)

Guys, next time you decide to open that big mouth, think before you speak!!! You have to pick your battles! For example... A dangerous approach to a situation would be, "That's what you're wearing??" A safer approach, "You look good in blue!" The safest (and most rewarding ;) response, "Wow! You look great!" Want another example? Dangerzone: "What are you so worked up about?" A safer approach, "Could we be overreacting?" The safest, "I'm sorry for whatever I did and whatever I may do from here on out. Here's fifty dollars, go buy yourself something nice!"

All women want to be desired. They want to be sought after. They want to be wanted. By making them feel appreciated and longed for, you're already laying down half of your best game and you don't even know it! A woman notices when you're staring at her from across the room. She may act like it's not a big deal when you tell her how pretty she looks, but trust me, deep down she's love-struck!

Other simple things to remember include: We don't like to hear about other pretty girls that you notice, hearing about your exes makes us jealous, and we like being right! You're two cents does matter!

(Side-note: If someone asks a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the extra penny?)

Remember that women just want to be beautiful and desirable for you men! I mean, you have to admit, ya'll have set the bar considerably high for us lovely ladies in today's domain. Let them know that you feel the fire... and when all else fails remember that, "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." (Ingrid Bergman.) A good kiss is always a good remedy! The next time you find yourself in uncharted territory don't fall back to those prior notions that women are complicated! Just remember that I've let you take a small step behind enemy lines to learn a few tricks and smile. It's the second best thing one can do with one's lips.

The Woman's Night Off

As millions of Americans tuned into NBC to watch Superbowl 2009, I looked down at the table in front of me covered in the traditional Superbowl snacks and had to laugh. A thought crossed my mind that made me snicker to myself; a thought that could really apply to any other event similar to the Superbowl. What made me laugh was the phenomenon of outdoor grilling: the only type of cooking a "real" man does. The Superbowl is a man's day. He wakes up and gets dressed in the jersey of his team of choice. SportsCenter is on all day long playing and replaying stats from the season and getting everyone pumped up for the big game! Sometime about mid-after noon it comes time to fire up the grill. Beer in hand, your ruggedly handsome man volunteers to do the barbecuing for the party which then sets the following series of events into motion. 

The woman goes to the store. The woman pours the chips (original ruffles, doritos, tostitos, and fritos-pretty much the whole "ito" family because she knows that then boys like all of them) and mixes each it's respectable dip. The woman prepares the meat for cooking and places it onto a tray along with the required utensils, and brings it outside to the man (who is lounging beside the grill, sipping his beer, and listening to John Madden make football commentation using terms such as "pull out" and "penetration" that I have come to learn college students find very amusing.) The man places the meat on the grill as the woman goes in to set up the snacks out before the party guests arrive. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman for her to prepare and set out. The men chow down as the women daintily pick from the finger foods and stand by until their hunky man spills something as a result of the couple of beers they had while "slaving" over the grill. After bidding the guests goodbye the woman clears the table and does the dishes as her man replays every play with her from the love-seat. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" from cooking dinner and well.... we'll get to the rest in a second. Outdoor grilling... it'a a funny thing. It's things like this that make girls like me shake their heads and love the imperfections of the male gender. They try their hardest to please us and if they weren't so darn cute it would probably be easier to hold something like this against them. I think, ladies, that we can all agree that while we adore men individually, as a group they are rather amusing.

From the love-seat that ruggedly handsome and innocently charming man asks you how you enjoyed your "night off" from cooking dinner... and upon seeing your amused smirk and raised eyebrow concludes that there's just no pleasing women.